dreaming with a broken heart: john mayer

to those of you that read this, my apologies for not posting
for everyone else... exactly... you guys dont read this anyway, so it doesnt matter

soo the update...

i told her the truth.. she took it pretty harshly... obviously...
it made me feel kinda bad, cause like she knew in the back of her mind that i kinda stopped caring, kinda stopped loving, and taht the feelings were slowly fading...
but oddly, she said NOT to rule out the possibility in the future, and she kept saying how
'you never know what'll happen, you cant rule out the possibility, cause anything could happen'
which is like the opposite thing i was expecting to hear from her...
but i dont know, that was a long time ago, and since then i havent talked to her
we dont really make any eye contact when we do see each other
but apparently, she still talks about me to other ppl, saying how ive been treating her harshly
shutting her out, ignoring her, and whatnot, but that's just what i hear

im thinking a bit, like, maybe... i was a bit harsh... but then again, break ups ARE harsh
and what else was i supposed to do... you cant help how you feel... and after a break up, things arent supposed to be fine and dandy, it's supposed to be difficult, and hard and whatnot

ive been asking God to take away the bitterness and resentment because i dont think that's great for me to be having in the back of my mind, it's slowly working... slowly getting there...
to be honest, i still am a bit ... more on the happier side, that im not in that relationship, not because she was a horrible person or anything, but it just wasnt a healthy relationship, it was dragging on and on, and it wasnt benefitting anyone, but it was actually harming everyone. it was a huge distraction, and time consumer (not in a bad way, but like the time couldve been used more productively... in certain situations) but i still am a bit relieved that im out of that.

right now, i feel like im a million miles behind where im supposed to be (in terms of school) and i just dont even feel like trying to get there, i have no motivation whatsoever to study, and i just want to run away back to the old days of the OC and Smallville, (even the first season of one tree hill), but i just hate school so much right now, no desire to do anything productive, i know i should get out of this rut and do something, but im just stuck in this phase, wasting away...

why am i dreaming with a broken heart? because right now it sucks. the past few months have been so uncertain and so unclear, and ive been scared but happy, and it's been like an exciting mystery. so the mystery is finally solved. you'd think that'd be a good thing, but actually it's the opposite. now that things are solved, reality comes slamming in your face, and you have to face the many truths and other things that come with it. to be honest, i kinda wish i didnt solve that mystery (even tho it was inevitable), but like... it couldve been an amazing, fun, happy dream, just feeling a happiness i havent felt in a LONGGGGGG ttime. but now it's like (struggling to think of an analogy) you have all of this food (might not be a good analogy) but you cant eat it, and you dont think saving it will work, eating it, isnt a good idea because of the crazy sitaution you're in (which there's no way i can think of an analogy to explain this) and saving it, is just... seems so impossible. what im tryna say is that, i have no idea what to do, but then at the same time, there's nothing i CAN do. do i hold it in until it kills me? or wait hopelessly? wait hopefully? or do something and screw everything up? well i dont plan on doing something, tho it's what i want, i dont want to hold it in, but there's nothing else to do, wait? if i wait, what do i do in the meantime...
if i wait..... it's a really long time...
but, it'll definitely be worth it.

"'it's like a quarter to 3, and i just cant sleep..."